I was the hospice nurse assigned to care for a patient dying from uterine cancer. After months of
unsuccessful treatment, this thirty-seven-year-old woman went home to die with her young family. Her two children, ages seven and two, were not aware of their mom’s prognosis.
Neighbors and close friends came to support the children as their father broke the news. I stood near, listening to the tragic conversation. A friend tearfully said to the older son, “It will be okay, you will see
your mom again.” I cringed. This was NOT okay! How could this ever be okay? I
was dumbfounded by the ignorance of this well-meaning friend.
With the combination of my experience from my career as a hospice nurse and my father’s death, I am launching this blog to educate the community about terminal illness. There is more to learn than chicken noodle soup.
Do you REALLY understand?
“I understand,” is a common phrase used by loved one’s to those who are in the dying or grieving process. Every person has their own story to tell; no two stories are the same. Therefore, it is impossible to completely understand each other's pain. Friends do not realize when they compare their pain, they may be minimizing their loved one’s experience. Some words are better left unsaid. Listening is key when you are conversing with a dying friend or their loved ones. Remember, this isn’t about you.This is about them.
The Mayo Clinic suggests to “let the person know that you're willing to listen — and never
underestimate the value of your presence. Even if it feels as if you're not doing anything, your presence sends an important message.”
So what do you know?
The Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, advised, “If you educate yourself about the illness and its probable course, you will be a more understanding listener when he wants to talk. You will also be more prepared for the reality of the illness’ last stages.”
When you are knowledgeable about the diagnosis, prognosis, and pathophysiology, you can discuss the terminal illness. Your friend will be appreciative that you took the time to learn more about them or their loved one.
Are you trying to sugar coat the problem?
When my father was fighting kidney cancer, I was initially told he would not live beyond ten years. I
remember talking about this with my friend and she replied, “Ten years is a long time. He could still be alive when you get married!”
Do not point out the “bright-side” of things for someone who is grieving. This is not your job;
additionally, it is a sure way to make the terminally ill feel as if their pain is insignificant. Grievers need validation and support, not a fortune cookie.
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| Caring for a grieving person – An illustrated guide by Brittany Bilyeu |
Take Initiative.
People with terminal illness, and their family, don’t always know how to ask for help. With the
overwhelming responsibilities that come with terminal illness, other things fall through the crack. Yet life still goes on and those things still need attention.
When my father was dying, the summer months felt unrelenting and claustrophobic. I was often with my grandparents or neighbors while my mom and dad were at the hospital. With all of us away from the home, responsibilities like mowing the lawn were overlooked. I remember one day we came home and saw a man in our neighborhood mowing our lawn. The sight made me cry. Later that week, my mother’s friends organized and cleaned out the refrigerator full of donated meals. Again, these women took the initiative and found a way to lighten the load for our family.
Take initiative with fall-through-the-crack tasks. Don’t be a nuisance but offer specific ways you can help like cleaning the bathroom, grocery shopping, or weeding the garden. Then be 100% committed to what you have offered.
Find ways to bring some joy.
Things don’t have to be sad or sullen all the time. I remember coming home from the hospital the day I learned my dad was going to die. I was only a twelve-year-old. A neighbor was driving me home and said, “You know what? Let’s go to McDonalds.” My parents never let us go to fast food places, so this was a huge treat. It would not cure my father’s cancer, but it did make the day a little easier. That same neighbor bought our family the movie, Toy Story 2, and gave it as a gift to help us laugh. And it did! It felt so good to laugh.
If you have a humorous relationship with the grievers, continue the humor and inside jokes. Give gifts that will make them smile. It’s not looking on the bright side, it’s giving those with grief tools for their survival.
Help those on the sidelines.
It is crucial to remember that those closest to the terminally ill often get pushed to the wayside while
the illness takes precedence. If it’s a spouse or a parent, then they are consumed with responsibilities like medical bills and funeral plans. If they are children, they can be unintentionally neglected among the chaos and grief.
At my father’s funeral, I had several people say to me,“take good care of your mom.” Of course, I was going to do all I could to care for my mom, but my immediate thought was “who is going to take care of me?”
Be especially aware of the mourners who are also sufferers of their loved one’s terminal illness. This blog post applies to them as well!
Additional Resources:
Disclaimer- this is a class assignment and not a real blog.
